Where to start I asked?
Why not here. Now.
And how will I explain?
Why do you feel the need to do so?
How can I share otherwise?
Just be. Flow.
So much of what I do, where I choose to be and what I offer is in the realm of the unknown, the domain of the heart. This can be hard to grasp or even wrap your head around. I know. I’ve tried. The world of the heart is mysterious, miraculous and powerful beyond description. Because the mind is limited, it cannot fully comprehend all that the heart knows. So, I don’t try to understand as much as honor it and let it lead me forward. It’s hard to put into words but I will try here in this space between us. I feel it is time to come out and begin to share.
For the past two years I have been sitting in the presence of the Divine. I have retreated into a space of deep stillness, detached from the hustle and bustle of our world around us. I went into the forest to be and to become. I let go. I don’t yet know what shape all of this will take. I don’t know why it happened when it did. I don’t know a great many things. For the answers that I seek, I know there is no point in asking questions that start with ‘how’ or ‘why’.
At times on my journey I have undergone long periods of deep retreat. Sometimes weeks, months or even years of deep stillness occur. Each time is different and each brings gifts with it that are not easily recognizable in the moment. Their beauty unfolds with time. I have undergone this process enough now to know that patience, trust and surrender are essential.
This time, the retreat began January 2013. I stopped work. I let go of my home, my biggest dreams, heartfelt goals and nearly all outside communication. Piece by piece my ego was confronted and my sense of self-stripped bare. I foolishly thought I had already undergone this adequately at other times in my life. Clearly, I was wrong. Again. (Nor is the process in anyway finished.)
These two years have been challenging and confronting on many levels. At first I resisted. I did not go willingly and an internal struggle ensued. I lost my voice for 3 weeks. There was no way I could sing and offer my work to others without this instrument. So I waited. After my voice returned, I developed double pneumonia. Forced rest. No matter how stubbornly my mind dug it’s heels in, it was clearly not in control. My heart was guiding me into the unknown without a paddle or even for that matter, a canoe. I needed to let go and trust.
For companionship I had Rufus, my best friend, teacher, dog and self-appointed demi-god. I had the trees, the forest, the intense cycle of seasons and the natural world around me. And, I had my parents. After decades of living abroad I had come back to cocoon in their quiet part of the world. (I wonder what it must be like for them to witness such a process in their daughter?) Lastly, I had my stories from the Sharing Project. For years I had recorded my conversations with people from around the world that had lived miraculous experiences and profound healings. I had hundreds and hundreds of hours of deep sharing with everyday people living extraordinary lives with courage and heartfelt determination. I had never felt the desire to listen to them before. I had tucked them away neatly in a corner and forgot about them. One year ago this changed. Last October, I sat down and began to listen. I heard voices with their stories of joy and pain that awoke in me such memories. Many of these people have passed on now but their spirits were just as much with me as the wind, sun and snow.
Now I feel myself coming back, ever so slowly. While so many people are seeking ways to invite that sacredness of space, stillness and presence into their lives, I am navigating the waters back after such a long, deep pause… Again, I feel as if I am journeying without a paddle or even a canoe. Do you often feel that way too? I can’t help but laugh at it all. It is a dance, unpredictable and at times surreal. The journey between mind and heart, known and unknown, real and unreal. Let us meet on that bridge together. For we have much to share, together.
Originally posted @ PureGraceLight